I can relate to so much of this mate and your levels of self-reflection and awareness is off the charts!!!
"I don’t know what the solution to this is. Improving my capacity, being kinder to myself, maybe better communicating my needs. Maybe a combination of all three?"
I think it's combination of all 3, but being systematic by knocking one over at time is how'd I approached it, and would start with communicating your needs more, as you already proven recently that you can push thru the uncomfortableness of asking for what you need.
I agree. Like we've been chatting about, it all about making sure the battery is charged, and then prioritising our actions and then chipping away at one thing at a time. When we start this process hopefully we've got our sequencing right so we won't be depleting energy going forward. If we are, we need to reassess our approach.
One way I am doing this is that I've setup a Trello board based on that video you sent through a few months ago, it has been so helpful at creating visibility and providing personal direction.
Great read Tim, I'm glad you put your needs first this time and that your workplace was supportive by granting it to you.
When you think about it, we are driven by achievements our whole lives. In schools it's getting good grades and winning awards, junior sports is trophies and winning player of the week, winning the game. Success is measured by most by what your job is or the stuff you own, the car you drive, the house you live in. This is what makes us miserable, not to mention constantly being shown by media and advertising how inadequate we are. Social media is supposed to be a platform for sharing, but not only does it consume us, it leads to comparing lives to others. Thankfully I have never felt this social media jealousy or comparison, but I have heard stories about people being depressed after using their instagram because they're looking at all their friends or people they follow living their best life, not realising that the majority only post about the best parts of their life.
When we see people we generally say hello, how are you? The automatic reply is good thanks, regardless of how we are feeling. I'm not sure people are prepared for a response that isn't I'm good. But I believe this honesty is contagious, so the more we are honest, the more others will be too. It'll normalise having a shit day or feeling shitty and that it's okay not to be great all the time.
I think there is a lot in this Clare and what resonates with me is that we don't ever teach people how to not be good at something, or fail. We put so much pressure on performing that I think people find the first thing they're good at and then they are terrified at doing anything different. I know this was my story, but I wonder if others have similar experiences.
Social media from that perspective is fascinating – promoted as connection, but really is designed for addiction in order to sell adverting. I think also the 'sharp and short' nature of conversation on social media also contributes to this false facade of life and the polarisation of community.
I agree, and I think to a degree we also lack the emotional inventory to really appreciate and empathise with others. Like you said, we're not prepared for anything other than good — but also like you said honesty is contagious and it liberates. That is why I am so thankful for the Writing for Resilience group, there is authenticity and rawness. There is humanity.
Well said Clare and honesty is 100% contagious. Just gotta start being honest with ourselves first about how we feel, then it'll be easier to be honest with others.
Awesome stuff, Timmy. I'm glad you were able to get away for a break, especially without phone service.
So much of this resonated with me.
It seems a lot of us are realising we need to take a different approach. A kinder, gentler approach that allows us to enjoy the process along the way. I, like you, have been guilty of hyper-focusing on a goal thinking that once I'd achieved it I would be able to enjoy life. I'm grateful for the things I attained through that mindset, house, job, etc. But I'm more grateful for the lesson that not the final destination will give me the complete contentment that I was seeking.
In one sense I'm annoyed that it took me so long, but in another sense, I'm grateful that I have been able to realise all that we need to make the process sustainable and enjoyable. Most of our time is spent in the process. If we don't enjoy the process we spend 95% of the time not enjoying ourselves and only 5% of the time enjoying the achievement. I dunno about you, but I don't like the look of those numbers.
My greatest fear is that I will come to this realisation when it's all too late. Sitting on my beachside farm surrounded by veggie plots (hopefully) and thinking, "This is great, but now I'm old, I've limited time to enjoy this, and I didn't enjoy the journey along the way".
I'm excited for us as a group to adopt this different approach and engage in further discussion about it. Bouncing ideas off of each other and the like. I think doing it this way things can only get better! Lessgo!
I totally agree Sam! When I think back on my life before I got sick it was all about achieving things, and I was miserable! But I had spent so much time operating that way that I never knew you could live any differently. I just thought 'this is life'.
It wasn't until getting sick that I was really forced me to reflect and assess how I wanted to rebuild my life. I knew I wanted something different but didn't know what it looked like. That is why I am so appreciative of finding friends like you and the R4R community — I am finding steps and a community that doesn't just promote full throttle all of the time and instead appreciates the journeys we're all on and maybe even slowing down a bit.
I think it’s a bit of a generational thing, right!? Our parents were taught to get a qualification, but a house, get security. They were geared towards that so that’s what we were taught.
I love that I’ve met a community of like minded people who make me feel comfortable saying “I don’t want to live like this” and it’s met with compassion and understanding rather than criticism. I’ve found by having the courage to voice it I’ve found many others who feel the same and there’s a lot of comfort in that.
Tim. You have expressed a cycle that is very familiar to many people. I don’t have answers, but I think you need to take some solace in knowing that it is pretty normal to have these cycles and the need for good recovery to avoid burnout.
As a person on the spectrum, I am very familiar with the drain of trying to live “normally” and not showing that weakness. To an extent is is necessary so that you can achieve career and personal goals, as long as you can balance that with time and people that allows you to be yourself enough to balance your life and keep happy within yourself. Jess of course is part of that, and hopefully some people you work with can also be part of the support network that understands the duality of your life and work.
Your goal setting cycle is also important as it t has helped you get back to the life you want from your initial diagnosis. Just need ti ensure the goals don’t knock you around too much. And that you have goals for you as Tim plus you as Tim and Jess and you as Tim the community giver.
You’ve got this mate. Great work.
And Happy new Year to you and Jess from all the Crain’s.
I think you're exactly right Shaun and I think of it as 'you can't live in the same season all the time'. You need both the 'rest and slow down' of Winter, the 'regrowth and new spark' of Spring, the 'the sustained growth' of summer and the 'harvest' of autumn. Spending too much time in one season will lead to burn out. Obviously the length of each person's cycle will be different, but I am not sure if anyone is immune to the need for all four.
I also agree with you regarding the idea of duality between life and work — and the importance of support networks in bringing balance. Adding to this idea, in many ways I think my health difficulties have provided insights that have shaped the direction of the work culture I want to be a part of. Have you experience the same thing?
I think often we try to push people into 'normal boxes' not realising the
'normal box' is often broken itself. I often think the adaptation and flexibility required to meet the needs of a particular person often illuminates changes that are beneficial more broadly. Have you experienced this at all?
I think this is critical 'ensuring that the goals don't knock you around too much'. They need to work for you and the method of goal setting will change depending on context. I also like how you've highlighted the importance of setting goals in more than one area of life. I think this is really important to keep at the forefront.
Tim, Thankfully the workplace has evolved to be more adaptable to individuals. It certainly wasn’t like that when I started. This is a good thing. And as a side effect, businesses have discovered the value of a diverse workforce. It may be easy to think of the evolution of the workplace as a generational difference, but I don’t think so. It’s an evolutionary difference driven by all the current generations in the workforce. Be safe mate.
I like that you were able to get that time away mate, so awesome to do it as well and have celebrations in places without phone reception. I'm looking forward to catching you at R4R this year Timmy.
I feel we need this disconnection time more than we think sometimes! Getting out of reception with family at the start of the year always proves to be exactly what I need.
Looking forward to catching up with you too and I've really been enjoying following your journey. Can't wait to see what this year has instal for you.
I can relate to so much of this mate and your levels of self-reflection and awareness is off the charts!!!
"I don’t know what the solution to this is. Improving my capacity, being kinder to myself, maybe better communicating my needs. Maybe a combination of all three?"
I think it's combination of all 3, but being systematic by knocking one over at time is how'd I approached it, and would start with communicating your needs more, as you already proven recently that you can push thru the uncomfortableness of asking for what you need.
I agree. Like we've been chatting about, it all about making sure the battery is charged, and then prioritising our actions and then chipping away at one thing at a time. When we start this process hopefully we've got our sequencing right so we won't be depleting energy going forward. If we are, we need to reassess our approach.
One way I am doing this is that I've setup a Trello board based on that video you sent through a few months ago, it has been so helpful at creating visibility and providing personal direction.
Nice mate! Would love yo see how you’ve structure it
Great read Tim, I'm glad you put your needs first this time and that your workplace was supportive by granting it to you.
When you think about it, we are driven by achievements our whole lives. In schools it's getting good grades and winning awards, junior sports is trophies and winning player of the week, winning the game. Success is measured by most by what your job is or the stuff you own, the car you drive, the house you live in. This is what makes us miserable, not to mention constantly being shown by media and advertising how inadequate we are. Social media is supposed to be a platform for sharing, but not only does it consume us, it leads to comparing lives to others. Thankfully I have never felt this social media jealousy or comparison, but I have heard stories about people being depressed after using their instagram because they're looking at all their friends or people they follow living their best life, not realising that the majority only post about the best parts of their life.
When we see people we generally say hello, how are you? The automatic reply is good thanks, regardless of how we are feeling. I'm not sure people are prepared for a response that isn't I'm good. But I believe this honesty is contagious, so the more we are honest, the more others will be too. It'll normalise having a shit day or feeling shitty and that it's okay not to be great all the time.
I think there is a lot in this Clare and what resonates with me is that we don't ever teach people how to not be good at something, or fail. We put so much pressure on performing that I think people find the first thing they're good at and then they are terrified at doing anything different. I know this was my story, but I wonder if others have similar experiences.
Social media from that perspective is fascinating – promoted as connection, but really is designed for addiction in order to sell adverting. I think also the 'sharp and short' nature of conversation on social media also contributes to this false facade of life and the polarisation of community.
I agree, and I think to a degree we also lack the emotional inventory to really appreciate and empathise with others. Like you said, we're not prepared for anything other than good — but also like you said honesty is contagious and it liberates. That is why I am so thankful for the Writing for Resilience group, there is authenticity and rawness. There is humanity.
This is all bang on mate! Would love to read your thoughts on this more in a blog!
I agree :)
Well said Clare and honesty is 100% contagious. Just gotta start being honest with ourselves first about how we feel, then it'll be easier to be honest with others.
Great stuff Timmy and thanks for the shout out!
Awesome stuff, Timmy. I'm glad you were able to get away for a break, especially without phone service.
So much of this resonated with me.
It seems a lot of us are realising we need to take a different approach. A kinder, gentler approach that allows us to enjoy the process along the way. I, like you, have been guilty of hyper-focusing on a goal thinking that once I'd achieved it I would be able to enjoy life. I'm grateful for the things I attained through that mindset, house, job, etc. But I'm more grateful for the lesson that not the final destination will give me the complete contentment that I was seeking.
In one sense I'm annoyed that it took me so long, but in another sense, I'm grateful that I have been able to realise all that we need to make the process sustainable and enjoyable. Most of our time is spent in the process. If we don't enjoy the process we spend 95% of the time not enjoying ourselves and only 5% of the time enjoying the achievement. I dunno about you, but I don't like the look of those numbers.
My greatest fear is that I will come to this realisation when it's all too late. Sitting on my beachside farm surrounded by veggie plots (hopefully) and thinking, "This is great, but now I'm old, I've limited time to enjoy this, and I didn't enjoy the journey along the way".
I'm excited for us as a group to adopt this different approach and engage in further discussion about it. Bouncing ideas off of each other and the like. I think doing it this way things can only get better! Lessgo!
I totally agree Sam! When I think back on my life before I got sick it was all about achieving things, and I was miserable! But I had spent so much time operating that way that I never knew you could live any differently. I just thought 'this is life'.
It wasn't until getting sick that I was really forced me to reflect and assess how I wanted to rebuild my life. I knew I wanted something different but didn't know what it looked like. That is why I am so appreciative of finding friends like you and the R4R community — I am finding steps and a community that doesn't just promote full throttle all of the time and instead appreciates the journeys we're all on and maybe even slowing down a bit.
Lessgo!
I think it’s a bit of a generational thing, right!? Our parents were taught to get a qualification, but a house, get security. They were geared towards that so that’s what we were taught.
I love that I’ve met a community of like minded people who make me feel comfortable saying “I don’t want to live like this” and it’s met with compassion and understanding rather than criticism. I’ve found by having the courage to voice it I’ve found many others who feel the same and there’s a lot of comfort in that.
LESSGOO!!!!
Tim. You have expressed a cycle that is very familiar to many people. I don’t have answers, but I think you need to take some solace in knowing that it is pretty normal to have these cycles and the need for good recovery to avoid burnout.
As a person on the spectrum, I am very familiar with the drain of trying to live “normally” and not showing that weakness. To an extent is is necessary so that you can achieve career and personal goals, as long as you can balance that with time and people that allows you to be yourself enough to balance your life and keep happy within yourself. Jess of course is part of that, and hopefully some people you work with can also be part of the support network that understands the duality of your life and work.
Your goal setting cycle is also important as it t has helped you get back to the life you want from your initial diagnosis. Just need ti ensure the goals don’t knock you around too much. And that you have goals for you as Tim plus you as Tim and Jess and you as Tim the community giver.
You’ve got this mate. Great work.
And Happy new Year to you and Jess from all the Crain’s.
I think you're exactly right Shaun and I think of it as 'you can't live in the same season all the time'. You need both the 'rest and slow down' of Winter, the 'regrowth and new spark' of Spring, the 'the sustained growth' of summer and the 'harvest' of autumn. Spending too much time in one season will lead to burn out. Obviously the length of each person's cycle will be different, but I am not sure if anyone is immune to the need for all four.
I also agree with you regarding the idea of duality between life and work — and the importance of support networks in bringing balance. Adding to this idea, in many ways I think my health difficulties have provided insights that have shaped the direction of the work culture I want to be a part of. Have you experience the same thing?
I think often we try to push people into 'normal boxes' not realising the
'normal box' is often broken itself. I often think the adaptation and flexibility required to meet the needs of a particular person often illuminates changes that are beneficial more broadly. Have you experienced this at all?
I think this is critical 'ensuring that the goals don't knock you around too much'. They need to work for you and the method of goal setting will change depending on context. I also like how you've highlighted the importance of setting goals in more than one area of life. I think this is really important to keep at the forefront.
Thank you — Happy New Year to you all too.
Tim, Thankfully the workplace has evolved to be more adaptable to individuals. It certainly wasn’t like that when I started. This is a good thing. And as a side effect, businesses have discovered the value of a diverse workforce. It may be easy to think of the evolution of the workplace as a generational difference, but I don’t think so. It’s an evolutionary difference driven by all the current generations in the workforce. Be safe mate.
I agree with Shaun. I've been victim of this cycle too and I don't have your condition.
I like that you were able to get that time away mate, so awesome to do it as well and have celebrations in places without phone reception. I'm looking forward to catching you at R4R this year Timmy.
I feel we need this disconnection time more than we think sometimes! Getting out of reception with family at the start of the year always proves to be exactly what I need.
Looking forward to catching up with you too and I've really been enjoying following your journey. Can't wait to see what this year has instal for you.
It's part of the reason I love running in places where I can't be contacted, because there is nothing but me and nature in those moments. :)
Hopefully going big this year, but still undecided on exactly what that means! We'll see each other soon.